i've been thinking a lot the past few days about depression, productivity, manifestation, and the meaning of life. my last heavy post has really forced me to evaluate the purpose of this blog, and whether or not it's helpful.
i started this truth blog to prove something to myself and the world. i had secrets that i was scared to admit; things i was ashamed of thinking and feeling that i didn't want anybody to know. although i'm not sure i quite realized it at the time, these fearful thoughts and feelings about being "found out" were really the only thing keeping me from moving into the life i thought i wanted for myself.
so i started telling all, to anybody who would listen here. it was absolutely terrifying at first, admitting all those shameful things about money, bad decisions, and obsessive feelings out in the open. but i did it. and what happened? nothing. well-- nothing bad, that is. nobody stopped talking to me. nobody stopped loving me. most people didn't even read it or care what i had to say. the people who did were encouraging and supportive, and/ or kept their nasty thoughts to themselves.
tomorrow i turn 31. when i started this blog 1.5 years ago, i had a duffel bag full of clothes to my name, was living with my mom in the suburbs of chicago, had no experience in a corporate job, few prospects, and no assets.
today i have:
1. a salaried job as a research assistant to an investment team with generous bonus. paid lunch everyday (i order off seamless and the receptionist brings it to my desk). ivy-league colleagues who are respectful and kind. desk next to a window in the most prestigious piece of real estate in nyc overlooking central park. (note: if you refer to
this post dated january 23, 2012, you can get an idea of the type of job i've miraculously manifested for myself out of seemingly thin air)
2. 1 bedroom apartment in the middle of williamsburg/ bushwick, in which i live alone. furnished comfortably and stylishly entirely with my own money. (butcher block counter top, comfy chair from crate and barrel, bed, curtains, rug, table and chairs)
2.5 a rackful of demure, professional clothing (sourced and purchased by me).
3. the experience of having traveled in the past year to: chicago, IL (3 times-- once for pitchfork music festival, once for a wedding, once for christmas), salt lake city, utah (brother's wedding), rome, italy (other brother was studying abroad-- went to visit him), portland oregon (visit a dear friend who moved), 3 trips to washington, DC (where the heart is), 1 trip to baltimore, maryland (to visit the winner), 1 trip to the omega institute in rhinebeck, NY, 1 trip to a bed and breakfast in tivoli, ny, 2 trips to far rockaway (beach). this from a girl who moved here w $1500, a thousand of which was borrowed from (and paid back to!) her mom.
4. a new relationship w a loving, intelligent, calm, strong, sensitive, artistic and adorable man who i absolutely adore
5. a wealth of knowledge on investing, finance, corporate america, how businesses are run, and how hedge funds operate
....so i suppose you could that i've come along way in a short amount of time.
---
what i'm starting to realize now, is that true fulfillment lies in recognizing and acknowledging that you have a choice. the subtle but crucial difference between being
able to do something, and being
willing to do something. once one recognizes that he/she does in fact have a
choice, then he/she becomes the creator (not the bystander) of his/ her own existence.
i don't think that
this blog is a productive use of my time anymore. i think i've been using it
as a crutch. in the beginning, i needed that crutch. i needed a way to get out of myself and my own head. i needed to prove to myself that i could do it. that i could be authentically me, with no secrets. that i was OK, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that there would be love and support for me even in my darkest and most pathetic hours.
but i don't need that proof anymore. i don't need the crutch. and furthermore, i don't think it's helping. i KNOW i can be authentic if-ever and whenever i need to be. i'm no longer scared or ashamed of any of my thoughts or feelings. if needed, i can be authentically me-- even if the people closest to me disapprove or find it embarrassing. i know i can do it and i don't need anybody else's approval. but, at the same time, that doesn't mean that it's prudent to go around emotionally vomiting all over the internet. and at this point, it's a misuse of my time, because it's not the way in which i ultimately want to give back to and be creative in this world.
it's time for me to move on. i want to see what i can do be and
produce creatively without this blog. not because i am ashamed of anything i
do am think or feel. but because i now know i don't have to be.
